An open letter

To the doofus in the Walmart parking lot, driving the little red car:

You are a careless idiot. Thanks for driving like a maniac and nearly hitting myself and my infant. Really, I appreciate a good close encounter with death every now and then. Oh, and the dirty look that you gave me upon exiting your little piece of crap car, totally uncalled for. Seeing as how pedestrians have the right of way and all. Oh yeah, and that I was already HALFWAY across the walkway when you came careening around the corner. A little piece of advice, if I may: Just say no to angry driving. Or try paying attention when you drive, you know, just when other people are around and all. If that seems too difficult, stay home and oh I don't know, continue to bleach your hair that hideous shade of gross and disgusting. Now that I think about it, maybe the bleach is seeping in and that's really what your problem is. Get that looked at, mmmk?



To the appointment taker at the peditricians office who doesn't actually know how to make an appointment:

When I called needing an appointment for Hannah on the 7th, and you said her Dr. wasn't available that day but would the 8th work better, I was ok with that. 9am? Sure, sounds good to me. 8th, 9am. Got it. Peachy. Now, when I called back, needing to change that appointment to the 13th, I spoke to some one else in appointments. (Read--> Someone who knows how to do their job) I told this nice lady that you had made me an appointment for the 8th but I'm soo sorry I'm going to have to change it. Come again? You're not showing an appointment on the 8th at 9? But I just scheduled it and hour ago. Hmmmm. After a little digging, she found my appointment. You know, the one that you made for the 8th at 9? Turns out that you thought that the 9th at 8 was the same thing. Not so much darlin. Oh, and had I not figured out this little error and actually showed up on the 8th at 9, (after a morning filled with getting myself and an infant ready and out the door-nothing short of an olympic feat) and been told that my appointment wasn't until the next day.... Words cannot express the ten kinds of crazy that I would have gone. It would have been bad. So I guess it's good that this all worked out. Because I would have hated to make a scene at my favorite doctor's office.



To you, my neighbor, the one with the motorcycle:

Yeah, it's *soo great* that you have such a fun little hobby. A hobby that you have to haul around in a giant trailer. You know, that trailer that you park on the street making it oh-so-fun for me to back out of the driveway. And it's also great that your motorcycles work so well. So well in fact that you feel the need to prove it the the entire neighborhood. At 7am. You may not know this, but I have an infant. One who wakes me up no less the twice each night. Now, she's cute and snuggly and doesn't know any better, so I have to forgive her for these interruptions. You however, not so much. You definitely know better. I understand that you, along with most of the male population, think that your motorcycle is the greatest thing ever and that you enjoy spending time with it. But what I need you to understand is that when you feel the need to crank the engine endlessly at the crack of dawn, I feel the need to rain upon you the wrath of a sleep deprived mother. Which may or may not include screaming and eye poking. So, next time that you feel the need to fire one up of those bad boys before the crows are up, just remember that I'm across the street, planning my revenge...and slowly losing my mind.



To you, weirdo at the grocery store:

I'm sorry that my daughter wouldn't smile at the umm, funny? faces you were making at her. Maybe she could sense the creepy too. That doesn't mean that you should try harder. It means that you need to go away. Quickly. And refrain from interacting with children ever, ever again.



And lastly, to my daughter, Hannah:

For the love of all that is holy and right in this world, SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT! Please. It could be fun, really. I seem to remember enjoying it. Though it has been so very long since it happened....




Ahh, I feel so much better. I should do this more often.